Book Two How Boys Become MenJon Katz
两个九岁大的男孩一起放学回家，他们既是邻居又是好朋友。
Two nine-year-old boys,neighbors and friends,were walking home from school.
其中一个身穿亮蓝色风衣，他一边大声笑着，一边将看上去很重的书包朝着同伴的脑袋甩来甩去。
The one in the bright blue windbreaker was laughing and swinging a heavy-looking book bag toward the head of his friend, 同伴不停地躲闪着、退让着，惟恐被打中。―躲什么呀，胆小鬼？‖呼呼挥舞着书包的那个男孩戏谑道。
who kept ducking and stepping back.‖What‘s the matter?‖asked the kid with the bag whooshing it over his head.‖You chicken?‖ 于是，他的同伴停止了躲闪，鼓足勇气，站在原地一动不动。 His friend stopped,stood still and braced himself.
不出所料，书包―嗵‖地一声打中了男孩的脸。书包撞在脸上的声音很大，连站在街对面观望的我都听到了。 The bag slammed into the side of his face,the thump audible all the way across the street where I stood watching. 男孩倒在了地上，有一小会儿没能站起来，我想他恐怕是被打晕了。
The impact knocked him to the ground,where he lay mildly stunned for a second.
孩子挣扎着站起来后，只是随手擦了擦被打中的地方，就骄傲地宣告：―看到了吗？我不是胆小鬼！‖ Then he struggled up,rubbing the side of his head.‖See?‖he said proudly.‖I‘m no chicken.‖ 是的，他不是胆小鬼。胆小鬼可能早想办法逃之夭夭了。
No. A chicken would probably have had the sense to get out of the way.
不仅如此，甚至可以说这个男孩已经快要成为一名男子汉了，因为他已具备男子汉所应有的重要品质之一：不惧怕痛苦，勇于体验痛苦。
This boy was already well on the road to becoming a man,having learned one of the central ethics of his gender:Experience pain rather than show fear.
女人往往认为男人身上存在着令人头痛的问题，需要解决。 Women tend to see men as a giant problem in need of solution.
她们常念叨和我们男人之间距离遥远，无法沟通；还要求我们减少些男人气，增添些承诺和仁慈。
They tell us that we‘re remote and uncommunicative,that we need to demonstrate less machismo and more commitment,more humanity.
但是，如果不了解男孩子的某些特点，你就无法了解我们男人为什么是现在这种状况，也无法了解男人为什么会觉得交友如此困难，为什么感到恐惧和遇到难题时不愿承认。
But if you don‘t understand something about boys,you can‘t understand why men are the way we are,why we find it so difficult to make friends or to acknowledge our fears and problems.
男孩的世界自有其独特的行为准则，一套深藏于心的冷酷无情、坚定不屈的准则：
Boys live in a world with its own Code of Conduct,a set of ruthless,unspoken,and unyielding rules: 不能当老好人。 Don‘t be a goody-goody.
不能背叛。假如父母问起身上的瘀伤，要表现得无所谓。 Never rat.If your parents ask about bruises,shrug.
不能承认自己害怕。要敢于坐过山车，敢于参与拳斗，敢于做自己必须要做的事情。求人帮忙就会被指责为女里女气。 Never admit fear.Ride the roller coaster,and join the fistfight,do what you have to do.Asking for help is for sissies. 富于同情心的男孩令人讨厌，被人轻视。男孩在个别情况下可以帮助他的死党，而对其他人则不能轻易伸出援助之手。 Empathy is for nerds.You can help your best buddy,under certain circumstances.Everyone else is on his own.
不能和任何人讨论有关钱财的问题。要反抗、蔑视老师，不把他们当回事；嘲笑那些懦弱的人；高谈阔论读过的滑稽故事。而其他话题则有可能让你显得没有男子气概。
Never discuss anything of substance with anybody.Grunt,shrug,dump on teachers,laugh at wimps,talk about comic books.Anything else is risky.
男孩应该表现得冷酷（这对自己会有好处）。其他大多数行为———读书、和女孩交朋友，或安静地思考问题———都被认为是很古怪的。而如果说这世界上只有一件男孩不愿意去做的事情，那就是让自己显得怪里怪气。
Boys are rewarded for throwing hard.Most other activities---reading,befriending girls,or just thinking---are considered
weird.And if there‘s one thing boys don‘t want to be,it‘s weird.
最重要的是，男孩应该学会如何把握自己。
More than anything else,boys are supposed to learn how to handle themselves. 还记得上五年级时我和一位同学之间的那场激烈冲突。事情发生在学校的自助餐厅里。 I remember the bitter fifth-grade conflict
我用胳膊肘将一个名叫巴里的比我还高大的男孩推到一边，从而抢到了最后一盒巧克力奶。
I touched off by elbowing aside a bigger boy named Barry and seizing the cafeteria‘s last carton of chocolate milk. 巴里因为被一个比他弱小的男孩打败而遭到了同伴们的嘲笑，他决心要重树自己在同伴中的威信。 Teased for getting aced out by a wimp,he had to reclaim his place in the pack. 于是，课间休息时我俩进行了一场拳斗。结果我被打倒在地，嘴唇还流了血。 Our fistfight,at recess,ended with my knees buckling and my lip bleeding
我的好朋友都很同情我，但他们不能插手，只能无奈地在一旁观望。 while my friends,sympathetic but out of range,watched resignedly.
回家之后，妈妈看到我肿胀的脸颊，不由得惊叫起来，但我什么都没跟她说。
When I got home,my mother took one look at my swollen face and screamed.I wouldn‘t tell her anything, 爸爸回来后，我终于崩溃了，告诉了他们发生的一切，但恳求他们不要插手。
but when my father got home I cracked and confessed,pleading with them to do nothing. 可爸妈却给巴里的父母打了电话，结果巴里被罚一个星期不能看电视。 Instead,they called Barry‘s parents,who restricted his television for a week.
第二天早晨，在我去上学的路上，巴里和他的六个伙伴突然从一片树林里冒出来拦住了我。巴里对他的朋友说：―这就是那个叛徒。‖
The following morning,Barry and six of his pals stepped out from behind a stand of tree.‖It‘s the rat,‖said Barry. 他们打了我，这一次出手更重；而且还用蜡笔在我的书桌上涂满了―叛徒‖的字样。 I bled a little more.Rat was scrawled in crayon across my desk.
接下来的几天，每逢下午放学，他们都会在半路上截我。我试着改变回家的路线，不走有灌木丛或树篱的地方。但基本上没用，他们总是能拦住我。
They were waiting for me after school for a number of afternoons to follow.I tried varying my routes and avoiding bushes and hedges.It usually didn‘t work.
我又害怕，又羞于告人。―你这真是自找的，‖我最好的朋友跟我说。
I was as ashamed for telling as I was frightened.\"You did ask for it,\"said my best friend.
惶恐中，只得向大我几岁的表哥求救。放学回家的路上，表哥远远地跟在后面护送我。 巴里一伙人围住我时，表哥飞奔过来，大喝道：―谁敢动我表弟，我就对他不客气！‖
In panic,I appealed to a cousin who was several years older.He followed me home from school,and when Barry's gang surrounded me,he came barreling toward us.\"Stay away from my cousin,\"he shouted,\"or I'll kill you.\"
巴里一伙人跑开了，表哥禁不住大笑起来，高声说：―你还怕他们？个头儿才不过到我腰这儿嘛。‖男子汉在小时候很少得到别人的同情。
After they were gone,howerer,my cousin could barely stop laughing.\"You were afraid of them?\"he howled.\"They barely came up to my waist.\"
或许就是这个原因，他们长大后有时觉得很难去同情别人。
Men remember receiving little mercy as boys:maybe that's why it's sometimes difficult for them to show any. ―我知道很多男人都有快乐的童年，但谈到儿时其他男孩如何对待自己时，没有一个人有美好的回忆，‖
\"I know lots of men who had happy childhoods,but noen who have happy memories of the way other boys treated them,\" 一位朋友说，―一到三年级，男孩之间就开始打打闹闹；也正是从那时起，一场男人气概耐力赛也就拉开序幕了。‖ says a friend.\"It's a macho marathos from third grade up,when you start butting each other in the stomach.\"
另一位朋友补充道：―最重要的是你得尽快学会隐藏自己的感情。永远都不要说‗我害怕。‘
\"The thing is ,\"adds another friend,\"you learn early on to hide what you feel.It's never safe to say,'I'm scared.' 我女朋友常问我为什么总是避而不谈自己的感觉，我想原因可能就在这儿。 My girlfriend asks me why I don't talk more about what I'm feeling.
不过，现在好一些了，但真正谈论起来，还是不太自然。‖ I've gotten better at it,but it will never come naturally.\"
要了解男人在孩提时代所吸取的教训如何影响他们长大之后的行为，你完全没有必要成为一名精神病学家，因为这并不难。 You don't need to be a shrink to see how the lessons boys learn affect their behavior as men. 现在，男人越来越多地被要求应该敏感一些。殊不知，―敏感‖正是男人最惧怕的字眼。 Men are being asked,more and more,to show sensitivity,but they dread the very word. 虽然他们每天都要为自己日益不稳定的工作环境而挣扎、奋斗，却不愿意承认自己处境艰难。 They struggle to build their increasingly uncertain work lives but will deny they're in trouble.
虽然他们也需要抚爱、安慰和帮助，却不知道如何向别人提及。他们向所有人，包括他们钟爱的人，隐藏自己的软弱和恐惧。 They want love,affection,and support but don't know how to ask for them.They hide their weaknesses and fears from all,even those they care for.
看到别人陷入麻烦之中，他们也已习惯了小心翼翼地不去干涉。实际上，他们依然害怕别人指责自己―怪里怪气‖。 They've learned to be wary of intervening when they see others in trouble.They often still balk at being stigmatized as weird.
有的男人由于受到某些事件———如失去工作、妻子或情人———的震撼而开始变得敏感。 Some men get shocked into sensitivity---when they lose their jobs,their wives,or their lovers.
有的男人则通过和睦的婚姻生活或通过自己的孩子学会了敏感。 Others learn it through a strong marriage,or through their own children.
到什么时候男孩子们从彼此身上学到的东西才能比从曲线球游戏中学到的东西多呢？ 事实上，男子汉文化要发展到这一步可能还需要相当长的一段时间。
It may be a long whild,however,before male culture evolves to the point that boys can learn more from one another than how to hit curve balls.
上个月，我遛狗时经过我家附近的儿童游乐场，看到三个男孩正把一个男孩围在中间，一边笑着，一边推搡那个男孩。 Last month,walking my dog past the playground near my house,I saw three boys encircling a fourth,laughing and pushing him. 被围在中间的孩子很瘦小，衣服已被那三个孩子弄得凌乱不堪，脸上也显出害怕的神情。 He was skinny and rumpled,and he looked frightened.
一个男孩跪在他的身后，另一个则从前面推搡他（这是以前所有男孩都熟悉的把戏），那个瘦小的男孩便向后摔倒在地。 One boy knelt behind him while another pushed him from the front,a trick familiar to any former boy.He fell backward. 其他三个男孩跑开后，那孩子从地上站起来，拍了拍胳膊肘上的土，然后向秋千走去。 When the others ran off,he brushed the dirt off his elbows and walked toward the swings. 男孩的眼里含着泪，但看得出他在使劲控制自己不让泪水流出来。 His eyes were moist and he was wstruggling for control.\" 我隔着钢丝网眼栅栏对他说：―嗨，你没事吧？‖ Hi,\"I said through the chain-link fence.\"How ya doing?\"
―没事，‖那男孩一边飞快地说着，一边小腿用劲往地上一蹬，荡起了秋千。 \"Fine,\"he said quickly,Kicking his legs out and beginning his swing. 父亲、儿子和我（美）沃尔特•哈林顿
父亲还是我孩提记得的模样：脸色黑里透红，目光炯炯有神。一头浓发更使他仪表堂堂。不过，他现在比过去温和耐心多了。当初可不。也不知道是谁起了变化，是他还是我？
My father still looks remarkably like I remember him when I was growing up: hair full, body trim, face tanned, eyes sharp. What‘s different is his gentleness and patience. I had remembered neither as a boy, and I wondered which of us had changed.
我和儿子马修乘飞机去亚利桑那看望父亲，六十七岁的父亲调好吉他给孙子弹奏。知道“哦，我想有个个家，野牛在它周围溜达”这首歌吗？
My son Matthew and I had flown to Arizona for a visit, and his 67-year-old grandfather was tuning up his guitar to play for the boy. ―You know ‗Oh, Give Me a Home Where the Buffalo Roam‘?‖ my father asked.
那当儿，四岁的马修一直在沙发上蹦跳，偷偷乱拨他不该碰的吉他，口里还絮絮叨叨个没完。
All the while, four-year-old Matthew was bouncing on the couch, furtively strumming the guitar he wasn‘t supposed to touch and talking incessantly.
我和父亲曾格格不入，剑拔弩张。那是成长时期的儿子与父亲常有的“敌对“。我们咋咋呼呼的比赛、我们的衣着、我的信仰，以及我处的朋友，都为父亲所不屑。现在我还清楚地记得，孩提时，有一天我突然意识到，我和父亲不一样，我也不必证明我们不一样。
My father and I were once at great odds. We went through all the classic resentful and rebellious teen stuff: shouting matches, my weird friends, clothes and beliefs. I still vividly recall the revelation that finally came to me one day that I was not my father, and that I could stop trying to prove I wasn‘t.
孩提时父亲常不在家。他是个送奶工，每周工作七天。即便外出，他也是个缺席监工。我们在家犯的错误被一一记着，晚上回家他再找我们算帐，但却很少遭责骂或吓唬。
When I was a boy, my father wasn‘t around much. He worked seven days a week as a milkman. But even at work he was the task-master in absentia. Infractions were added up, and at night he dispensed punishment, though rarely beyond a threatening voice or a scolding finger.
那时，我认为，作为男子汉，我得勇敢地面对他，哪怕是吃拳头。有一次，我和几个朋友把学校停车场的栅栏埋在柴堆里，准备用来烧一年一度的篝火，庆祝放假。
I believed that manhood required that I stand up to him, even if it meant fists. One day some friends and I buried our high school‘s parking-lot barriers under the woodpile for the annual home-coming bonfire.
我们恨这些栅栏，因为它挡着我们，只有等公共汽车走完之后，我们才能乘自己的车离校。我觉得这恶作剧很好玩，就跟父亲提了此事。可他一点也不觉得好玩，命我立即跟他一块去把栅栏扒出来。
We hated the things because they kept us from leaving school in our cars until after the buses had left. I thought the prank was pretty funny, and I mentioned it to my father. He didn‘t think it was funny, and he ordered me to go with him to dig the barriers out. 你能想象，对于十六岁的我，当时还有比这更丢脸的吗？我当然不干，我们针锋相对。父亲气极了，那一刻，我意识到考验的时刻到了。
Can you imagine anything more humiliating at age 16? I refused, and we stood toe to toe. Dad was in a rage, and I thought for an instant that the test had come.
可他却摇摇头平静地走了。第二天朋友告诉我篝火庆祝会上看见我的父亲了。他当着几百个孩子的面爬上柴堆，扒出埋在里面的栅栏后走了。他从来没跟我提及此事，至今没有提过。
But then he shook his head and calmly walked away. The next day my friends told me that they had seen him at the bonfire celebration. He‘d climbed into the woodpile in front of hundreds of kids, pulled out the barriers and left. He never mentioned it to me. He still hasn‘t.
尽管我们格格不入，但我从不怀疑父亲很爱我，这便是连接我们的纽带。当然也有不少温馨的记忆----我们一同坐在沙发上看电视；一块在伊利诺洲克里特的碎石小道上散步；夕阳中一起唱着《红河谷》驱车回家。
Despite our father-son struggles, I never doubted my father‘s love, which was our lifeline through some pretty rough times. There are plenty of warm memories – he and I on the couch watching TV together, walking a gravel road in Crete, Ill. , as dusk, riding home in a car, singing ―Red River Valley.‖
父亲从不正面赞扬我；还常常对我冷嘲热讽，却从中透露着对我的自豪以及对我的成功的喜悦。父亲粗鲁、朴实。爱戏弄人，可我从这戏弄中感受到深厚的父爱。长大了些以后，我开始明白这是男人为避免脆弱而表达爱的方式。我也学着他的样，想说“我爱你“时，却说他的鼻子太大或者领带太难看。
He had this way of smiling at me, this way of tossing a backhanded compliment, letting me know he was prod of me and my achievements. He was a rugged teaser, and it was during his teasing that I always sensed his great, unspoken love. When I was older, I would understand that this is how many men show affection without acknowledging vulnerability. And I imitated his way of saying ―I love you‖ by telling him his nose was too big or his ties too ugly.
父亲似乎从不搂抱我、亲吻我。可星期天早晨挤进他的被窝，偎在他怀里睡着时的温暖感觉，我至尽记忆犹新。可是男人，即便是小男人也不搂搂抱抱。男人握手！
But I can‘t recall a time my father hugged or hissed me or said he loved me. I remember snuggling next to him on Sunday mornings. I remember the strong, warm feeling of dozing off in his arms. But men, even little men, did not kiss or hug; they shook hands. 上大学时每次有家返校时，我特别想拥抱父亲，但还是抑制住了。我拥抱母亲，而只与父亲握手！
There were times much later when I would be going back to college, times when I wanted so badly to hug him. But the muscles wouldn‘t move with the emotion. I hugged my mother. I shook hands with my father.
父亲常说，“男人重要的不在说而在做。“语言和感情靠不住。他每天上班，他护着我，他教我辨别真伪，他培养我坚定的信念，坚强我的性格。这便是我们的契约，我们的屏障。
“It‘s not what a man says, but what he does that counts,‖ he would say. Words and emotions were suspect. He went to work every day, he protected me, he taught me right from wrong, he made me tough in mind and spirit. It was our bond. It was our barrier. 有了儿子以后我努力避免父亲的错误，对马修很亲昵。这是男子气概的崭新表现方式。如今亲善的脸孔已取代了父亲那个时代严厉的
脸孔。可是，父子间的亲善并不能避免成长期儿子与父亲之间的矛盾。我只希望我和儿子马修的亲昵与快乐有助于我们在今后的困难岁月中努力协同，共度难关。
I‘ve tried not to repeat what I saw as my father‘s mistake. Matthew and I cuddle and kiss good-bye. This is the new masculinity, and it‘s as common today as the old masculinity of my father‘s day. But, honestly, I don‘t believe that in the end the new masculinity will prevent the growing-up conflicts between fathers and sons. All I hope is that Matthew and I build some repository of unconscious joy so that it will remain a lifeline between us through the rough times ahead. 我是在有了儿子以后才开始思考父子间的关系，开始深刻理解了自己的父亲。
It was only after having a boy of my own that I began to think a lot about the relationship between fathers and sons and to see – and to understand – my own father with remarkable clarity.
所有男人都会抱怨自己的父亲缺乏耐心。记得六岁时，一个阴雨天，父亲在给祖母盖屋顶。这活儿晴天都有危险，何况雨天？我想帮忙，他却极不耐烦地把我推到一边，我不干，结果屁股挨了一顿2。多少年过去了，每想到此事他就窃笑，可我一点不觉有什么好笑。 If there is a universal complaint from men about their fathers, it is that their dads lacked patience. I remember one rainy day when I was about six and my father was putting a new roof on his mother‘s house, a dangerous job when it‘s dry, much less wet. I wanted to help. He was impatient and said no. I made a scene and got the only spanking I can recall. He had chuckled at that memory many times over the years, but I never saw the humor.
如今每当马修吵着要帮我刷墙，帮我锯后院的枯树，我拼命忍住性子时，才明白父亲当年眼睛流露的含义。可我为此跟父亲呕了三十年气呢！有了类似经历以后我才理解了父亲的苦心。而今，儿子也许正因为此而生我的气呢。
Only now that I‘ve struggled to find patience in myself when Matthew insists he help me paint the house or saw down dead trees in the back yard am I able to see that day through my father‘s eyes. Who‘d have guessed I‘d be angry with my father for 30 years, until I relived similar experiences with my own son, who, I suppose, is angry now with me.
十几岁时我认为自己和父亲截然不同，现在才发现自己很像父亲：一样的幽默，一样的固执，甚至一样的声音。我并不以为这种相似后和称心，可我生成如此。
More surprisingly, contrary to my teen-age conviction that I wasn‘t at all like my father, I have come to the greater realization. I am very much like him. We share the same sense of humor, same stubbornness, same voice even. Although I didn‘t always see these similarities as desirable, I have grown into them, come to like them.
比方说父亲接电话时总是口音很夸张第一个音节，吞掉了第二个音节。给我打电话，你会发现我也和老爸一样，“哈„„罗！”，对自己的口音还感觉良好。
My father, for instance, has this way of answering the phone. ―Hellll – o,‖ he says, putting a heavy accent on the first syllable and snapping the ―o‖ short. Call me today and you‘ll hear ―Hellll – o,‖ just like the old an. Every time I hear myself say it, I feel good. 与父亲的如此想象使我吃惊地意识到：如果我现在在解析自己对父亲的感情，那么当年我还是孩子时，父亲也一定在解析他对自己父亲的感情。
This new empathy for my father has led me to a startling insight: if I am still resolving my feelings about my father, then when I was a boy my father was still resolving his feelings about his father.
父亲像他父亲养育他那样地养育了我，这不仅联系了儿子、我和父亲，而且联系了我父亲的父亲乃至整个哈利顿家族。我猜，第一位哈利顿下船登陆时，那时若有电话的话，他接电话时一定也是“哈„„罗！”
He raised me as a result of and as a reaction to his own dad, which links my son not only to me and my father, but to my father‘s father and, I suspect, any number of Harrington fathers before. I imagine that if the phone had rung as the first Harrington stepped of the boat, he‘d have answered by saying, ―Hellll –o‖.
几年前因为某些微妙的原因，我和父亲一度不往来了。最终我克服了自己的固执，出其不意去拜访父亲。我们谈了整整两天，似乎什么都谈了，又似乎什么都没谈。谁都没谈我们五年都没见面的事。
For reasons to profound and too petty to tell, there was a time years ago when my father and I didn‘t speak or see each other. I finally gave up my stubbornness and visited unexpectedly. For two days we talked, of everything and nothing. Neither mentioned that we hadn‘t seen each other in five years.
离开父亲时我很沮丧，我想，和好如初是不可能的了。两天后我收到父亲给我写的唯一一封信。我是作家，他是送奶工。但他写信的基调、节奏、感情与简洁与我“如出一辙”。
I left as depressed as I‘ve ever been, knowing that reconciliation was impossible. Two days later I got the only letter my father ever sent me. I‘m the writer, he‘s the milkman. But the letter‘s tone and cadence, its emotion and simplicity might have been my own. “假如生活重来一次，我会赢得更多的你留在我身边的时间。我们总是在事情每法挽回时才看清真相。”他信上说。
“I know that if I had it to do over again,‖ he wrote, ―I would somehow find more time to spend with you. It seems we never realize
this until it‘s too late.‖
我要离开父亲时----那一刻我觉得我们父子间的默然已是无以复加----父亲心里一直嘀咕，留住他，让他坐下来再谈谈，否则他可能不会再来看我了。“可我还是让你走了。”父亲写道。
It turned out that as he had watched me walk out the door after our visit – at the instant I was thinking we were hopelessly lost to each other – he was telling himself to stop me, to sit down and talk, that if we didn‘t he might never see me again. ―But I just let you go,‖ he wrote.
我发现父亲感情不善言表，我早该知道的。
I realized that his muscles just hadn‘t been able to move with the emotion, which is all I ever really needed to know.
不久前马修问我：“儿子长大后跟爸爸一样，是吗？”儿子试图在洞察生活。我小心谨慎地回答：“不，儿子长大后可能某些方面象爸爸，但他们不可能跟爸爸一模一样。他们应该是他们自己。”马修一定没听出来其中的微妙。
Not long ago, Matthew asked me, ―sons can grow up to be their daddies, right?‖ This was no small struggling for insight, and I was careful in my response. ―No,‖ I said, ―sons can grow up to be like their daddies in some ways, but they can‘t be their daddies. They must be themselves.‖ Matthew would hear nothing of these subtleties.
“儿子长大后就跟爸爸一样！就能跟爸爸一样”。他争辩说。我没反驳。他的固执令我窃喜。
“Sons can grow up to be their daddies!‖ he said defiantly. ―They can.‖ I didn‘t argue. It made me feel good. 我和马修准备离开亚利桑那回家了。整整一个早晨我心里七上八下不能平静。我决定做一件从未做过的事情。
All morning I am anxious. Matthew and I are about to leave Arizona for home, and I am determined to do something I have never done.
儿子们成长中总有这样一段时期，尽管他具有可吹嘘的个性，但他的模仿还是让他记起他只是父亲的儿子。这种模仿促使他们理解了不靠威胁，两代人完全可以理解、沟通。
There is a time in every son‘s life when he resents the echoes reminding him that, for all his vaunted individuality, he is his father‘s son. But thee should also come a time – as it had for me – when these echoes call out only the understanding that the generations have melded and blurred without threat.
带儿子登机之前，我弯下身子，搂着父亲说：“爸爸，我爱你，我一直很爱你。”
So just before my son and I walk through the gate and onto our plane, I lean over, hug my father and say, ―I want you to know that I love you. That I always have.‖ HOW TO INTEREST PEOPLE
如何感兴趣的人
每一个曾经是罗斯福西奥多的客人，都对他的知识的范围和多样性感到惊讶。不管他的客人是一个牛仔还是一个粗野的骑手，一个纽约的政治家或一个外交官，罗斯福都知道该说什么。这是怎么做的？答案很简单。每当罗斯福期待一个客人，他坐在深夜前，读到的主题，他知道他的客人是特别感兴趣。
Everyone who was ever a guest of Theodore Roosevelt was astonished at the range and diversity of his knowledge. Whether his visitor was a cowboy or a Rough Rider, a New York politician or a diplomat, Roosevelt knew what to say. And how was it done? The answer was simple. Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night before, reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested.
For Roosevelt knew, as all leaders know , that the royal road to a person‘s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.
The genial William Lyon Phelps, essayist and professor of literature at Yale, learned this lesson early in life.
“When I was eight years old and was spending a weekend visiting my Aunt Libby Linsley at her home in Stratford on the Housatonic,‖ he wrote in his essay on Human Nature, ―a middle-aged man called one evening, and after a polite skirmish with my aunt, he devoted his attention to me. At that time, I happened to be excited about boats, and the visitor discussed the subject in a way that seemed to me particularly interesting. After he left, I spoke of him with enthusiasm. What a man! My aunt informed me he was a New York lawyer, that he cared nothing whatever about boats - that he took not the slightest interest in the subject. ‗But why then did he talk all the time about boats?‘
“ ‗Because he is a gentleman. He saw you were interested
in boats, and he talked about the things he knew
would interest and please you. He made himself agreeable.‘ ―
And William Lyon Phelps added: ―I never forgot my aunt‘s remark.‖
As I write this chapter, I have before me a letter from Edward L. Chalif, who was active in Boy Scout work.
“One day I found I needed a favor,‖ wrote Mr. Chalif. ―A big Scout jamboree was coming off in Europe, and I wanted the president of one of the largest corporations in America to pay the expenses of one of my boys for the trip.
“Fortunately, just before I went to see this man, I heard that he had drawn a check for a million dollars, and that after it was canceled, he had had it framed.
“So the first thing I did when I entered his office was to ask to see the check. A check for a million dollars! I told him I never knew that anybody had ever written such a check, and that I wanted to tell my boys that I had actually seen a check for a million dollars. He gladly showed it to me; I admired it and asked him to tell me all about how it happened to be drawn.‖
You notice, don‘t you, that Mr. Chalif didn‘t begin by talking about the Boy Scouts, or the jamboree in Europe, or what it was he wanted? He talked in terms of what interested the other man. Here‘s the result:
“Presently, the man I was interviewing said: ‗Oh, by the way, what was it you wanted to see me about?‘ So I told him.
“To my vast surprise,‖ Mr. Chalif continues, ―he not only granted immediately what I asked for, but much more. I had asked him to send only one boy to Europe, but he sent five boys and myself, gave me a letter of credit for a thousand dollars and told us to stay in Europe for seven weeks. He also gave me letters of introduction to his branch presidents, putting them at our service, and he himself met us in Paris and showed us the town.
Since then, he has given jobs to some of the boys whose parents were in want, and he is still active in our group.
“Yet I know if I hadn‘t found out what he was interested
in, and got him warmed up first, I wouldn‘t have
found him one-tenth as easy to approach.‖
Is this a valuable technique to use in business? Is it? Let‘s see, Take Henry G. Duvernoy of Duvemoy and Sons, a wholesale baking firm in New York.
Mr. Duvernoy had been trying to sell bread to a certain New York hotel. He had called on the manager every week for four years. He went to the same social affairs the manager attended. He even took rooms in the hotel and lived there in order to get the business. But he failed.
“Then,‖ said Mr. Duvernoy, ―after studying human relations, I resolved to change my tactics. I decided to find out what interested this man - what caught his enthusiasm.
“I discovered he belonged to a society of hotel executives
called the Hotel Greeters of America. He not only
belonged, but his bubbling enthusiasm had made him
president of the organization, and president of the International
Greeters. No matter where its conventions wereheld, he would be there.
“So when I saw him the next day, I began talking about the Greeters. What a response I got. What a response! He talked to me for half an hour about the Greeters, his tones vibrant with enthusiasm. I could plainly see that this society was not only his hobby, it was the passion of his life. Before I left his office, he had ‗sold‘ me a membership in his organization.
“In the meantime, I had said nothing about bread. But a few days later, the steward of his hotel phoned me to come over with samples and prices.
“ ‗I don‘t know what you did to the old boy,‘ the steward greeted me, ‗but he sure is sold on you!‘
“Think of it! I had been drumming at that man for four years - trying to get his business - and I‘d still be drumming at him if I hadn‘t finally taken the trouble to find out what he was interested in, and what he enjoyed talking about.‖
Rewards of Living a Solitary Life May Sarton
几天前，一位颇爱社交又很招人喜欢的朋友跟我说，有一次在两个约会之间那一两个小时的空闲中,他偶然发现自己虽身处纽约，却感到格外孤单。于是，他去了惠特尼，希望能在闲逛中把这一段―空虚‖的时光打发掉。可出乎意料的是，他竟然发现独自一人原来可以如此快乐。对于他这样喜好社交的人来说，这就像突然发现自己爱上某位姑娘一样让他感到震惊。
我心里不由在想，刚开始时他为什么会觉得孤单呢？他究竟害怕什么呢？是那突如其来的孤独让他觉得厌烦；抑或是突然剩下一个人时却发现迷失了自己？但不管怎样，他下定了决心要冒一次险，他要去自己的内心世界———和太空一样浩瀚、一样神秘的内心世界———看一看。这内心世界对于他来说，就像太空对于宇航员一样，有时会让人觉得惊恐。他的每一种感受都将是那么新鲜；且在一定的时间内，似乎还有着惊人的独创性。在这样的时刻，任何一个能用肉眼看东西的人都好像成了天才。而有另一个人在身边时，两人就会不可避免地一起来观察周围的一切。这时，我们心里总要忙着去想自己的同伴对眼前的事物怎样看，怎样想；然后才会去考虑自己是怎样想的。这样一来，我们对眼前事物的那种具有独创性的第一感觉就会被丢掉或者被分散。
记得曾经有人说过这样一句话：―音乐如果和别人一起听，就不再是纯粹的音乐了。‖的确是这样的。音乐只有独自一人去欣赏才能真正品出其中的韵味。如果说人生是一道菜，那么孤独就是调味的盐，它能够调出人生每一种经历的真实味道。
―人在独处时永远都不会觉得寂寞，因为此时你的灵魂可以四处去游历：在静静的花园里，在清凉的房屋里……在那里，你永远都可以保持一个真正的自我。‖
但同别人在一起时我们经常会强烈地感觉到无以排遣的寂寞。由于人与人之间的趣味、性情和情绪等不尽相同，同他人在一起，有时即使是同相爱的人在一起，都有可能是一种痛苦。因为担心会伤害别人；坦率一点说，是担心自己的行为举止在社交场合中不够得体，我们在与人相处时，通常不得不把个人感受的棱角磨平，或者在诚实面前让自己退缩。独处时则是另外一种天地了。一个人的时候，我们可以完完全全做真正的自己，彻彻底底放纵个人的感觉。那真可谓一种无上的享受和乐趣！在过去的20年里，我一直独自一人生活。
在我看来，独处的最大乐趣莫过于让人越来越体会到孤独的妙处所在。大多数日子里，每天清晨睁开双眼，看着太阳从海平面冉冉升起，想到有一整天的时间完全属于自己而不会被人打搅，心里就充满了快乐与幸福。在这样绝妙的时光里，我通常会写写文章，带着狗去散散步；午后可以看看书，听听音乐，或躺在床上自由地遐想（很奇怪人为什么躺着时思维会更敏捷些呢？），多么惬意的生活啊！
偶尔过于劳累，连续工作时间太长，或感到极度空虚时，我会觉得寂寞；有时外出讲学回来，因为见了太多的人，讲了太多的话，
似乎各种感受满得要从心里溢出来，这时我也会感到异常寂寞。
寂寞时，我会觉得房间太大，太空旷，找不到自己究竟藏在了哪里。每当这时候，我就喂一喂我那两只小猫；或者给自己做一顿饭；或者给花园里的那些花啊草啊浇浇水，把每一株花草当作人一样仔细看了又看。只有这样，我才能慢慢地重新找回自己。
每次站在花园的一端，望着喷涌的流水溅起朵朵水花，我总是在许久之后才能找回迷失了的自己。但毕竟，这一刻还是来了，喧嚣的世界从面前渐渐退去，迷失了的自己再一次从深不可测的潜意识中浮上来，将最近经历过的各种感受重新带回来，由我慢慢去体味，去理解。这时，我又可以与那个藏在内心深处的自己对话了，我们再次相聚，一起不断成长，一起蜕壳换新，直到死亡将我们永久分开。
My Father's Shadow
Would the Sight of His Grandchild Complete the Breach or Heal It? Linda Ching Sledge
My husband, Gary, and I were flying to Hawaii from New York to show our five-month old son, Timmy, to my parents for the first time. But what should have been a mission of joy filled me with apprehension. For five years I'd hardly spoken to my father. Loving but stern in the manner typical of Chinese fathers, he had made particular demands on me, and though we were very much alike, we'd also grown very far apart.
丈夫加里和我第一次带着我们五个月大的儿子提米乘飞机从纽约前往夏威夷去看望我的父母。 这本来应该是一件快乐的差事，而我却为此忧心忡忡； 因为我几乎五年没有和父亲讲话了。 父亲是一位有爱心但又严厉的典型的中国父亲，平时对我的要求很苛刻，虽然我们有很多相似之处，但我们的经历却大相径庭。
When I became a teenager, my father held up my mother as a model of feminine behavior. But she was gregarious and social, while I preferred books to parties. He pressed me to mingle with his friends' children. I insisted on choosing my own companions. He assumed I'd follow in my mother's footsteps and enroll in the local university to study teaching, and that I'd marry into one of the other long-established Chinese clans on the Hawaiian islands and settle down, as he and my mother had.
等我长到十几岁时，父亲便把母亲视为女性的典范。 可是她那么喜欢热闹，喜欢交往，而我喜欢读书胜过聚会。 他强迫我和他的朋友的孩子交往， 而我则坚持自己选择朋友。 他想当然地认为我会步我母亲的后尘，报考当地的师范大学，然后嫁到夏威夷岛上另外一个有名望的家族之中，再像他和我母亲那样定居下来。
But I didn't settle. As bullheaded as my father, I escaped to the University of California, where I fell in love with a haole, as we called Caucasians from the mainland. Gary had blue haole eyes and sandy haole hair. I announced that we were getting married — in Berkeley, California, not Hawaii. No huge, clamorous clan wedding for me. My parents came and met Gary just two days before our small, simple wedding. Afterwards we moved to New York, as far from the islands as we could get without leaving American soil.
但是我没有安顿下来。 和父亲一样执拗的我逃到加利福尼亚大学。在那儿，我爱上了一位“外族人”，那时我们对大陆来的白种人都这样称呼。 加里长有“外族人”的蓝眼睛和“外族人”的棕色头发。 我宣布我们就要结婚了———在加利福尼亚的伯克利而不是在夏威夷， 没有人为我操办声势浩大的、热闹的家族婚礼。 就在我们简短的婚礼举办的前两天，我父母才赶来见加里。 婚后我们搬到纽约，在不离开美国领土的前提下尽可能地远离群岛。
My father's subsequent silence resonated with disapproval. He didn't visit; neither did I. When my mother telephoned, he never asked to speak to me, and I never asked for him. We might have gone on like that, the habit of separation hardening into a permanent estrangement. Then Timmy was born, and I felt an unexpected tidal pull back to the island.
父亲随后的沉默意味着他对我的婚事的反对。 他没来看我们，我也没去看他。 当母亲打来电话时，他从来不要求和我说话，我也从来不要求和他讲话。 我们本可能会这样持续下去的，因为习惯性的分离会导致永久性的疏远。 后来，提米出生了，我感到仿佛有一股突如其来的潮水在将我推向岛乡。
On the long flight to Hawaii, memories of my childhood, when I was my father's small shadow, came flooding back. I was three
years old, running behind him as he walked between the banana trees in the plantation town where he taught secondary school. When I grew tired, he carried me on his shoulders. From there, I could see forever. \"You
are my sunshine, my only sunshine,\" he would sing. \"You make me happy when skies are grey.\" I laughed, taking his devotion as my due.
在飞往夏威夷的漫长的旅途中，儿时的记忆潮水般向我涌来。 那时，父亲在一个移民镇上教中学，我是父亲的小影子，跟随父亲在香蕉树林里穿行。 我累了，他就把我扛在肩上， 从他的肩上，我可以看到永恒的父爱。 “你是我的阳光，我惟一的阳光，”他常常这样唱着， “天空乌云密布时你会使我快乐。” 我笑着，把他的爱视为当然。
Now the prodigal daughter was returning with the firstborn of the next generation—a hazel-eyed, golden-skinned hapa haole (half-white) child who looked little like his Chinese ancestors. How would my father react? If he disapproved of Timmy, as he had of me, the breach between us would be complete. I would never return.
现在女儿浪子回头，带着下一代的长子———一个长着淡褐色眼睛、金色皮肤、有部分白人血统、很少像他的中国祖先的孩子回家了。 我父亲会有什么反应呢？ 如果他拒绝了提米，就像他当年拒绝我一样，那我们之间的裂痕就会达到顶点， 我就再也不回来了。
The plane landed, and I gratefully placed a crying, hungry Timmy into my mother's eager arms. Here was instant and unconditional acceptance of a child by his grandmother.
飞机着陆了，我把饿得直哭的提米感激地放进母亲张开的双臂中。 此时，孩子立刻被外祖母无条件地接受了。 My father's expression was passive and hard to read. He greeted us politely: \"Good trip?\" Then he peered cautiously at Timmy, who promptly began to shriek. My father stepped back in alarm. Did he find it unsettling that this squalling stranger might be his own flesh and blood?
父亲的表情是被动的，而且让人难以理解。 他客气地和我们打招呼：“一路还好吧？”接着谨慎地凝视着提米，这时提米突然尖声哭起来， 父亲吓得后退一步。 他是不是因为看到这位尖叫的陌生人可能是他的血肉而深感不安？ After dinner at my parents' house, Gary and I retired to my old bedroom. My mother tucked Timmy into a burrowed crib in a room down the hall.
在我父母的房间里吃完晚饭后，加里和我回到我原来住过的房间。 母亲将提米安放在大厅一间房间里一个有围栏的童床里。
Four hours later mother instinct pulled me from sleep. This was the time Timmy usually woke for a bottle, but there were no cries of hunger, no fretful wails. Instead, I heard only the sweet, soft gurgle of baby laughter. I tiptoed down the hall.
四个小时后，做母亲的直觉催我醒来。 这个时间往往是提米醒来喝奶的时间，但我却听不见饥饿或烦躁不安的哭闹声， 相反，听到的只是婴儿甜甜的、柔和的咯咯声。 我踮着脚尖走进大厅。
In the living room, Timmy lay on a pillow on the floor in a circle of light, his plump, tiny fists and feet churning gleefully. He studied the face bent over him, an Asian face burned dark by the Hawaiian sun, with laugh wrinkles at the corners of the eyes. My father was giving Timmy a bottle, tickling his tummy and crooning softly, \"You are my sunshine...\"
在客厅里的一个光圈里，提米躺在地板上的一个枕头上，他胖乎乎的小拳头和小脚丫欢快地挥动着。 他端详着那张俯视他的脸，一张眼角长有笑纹、被夏威夷的阳光晒得黝黑的脸。 父亲正在给提米喂奶瓶，一边挠着他的肚皮一边轻声唱着：“你是我的阳光„„”
I watched from the darkness, not wanting to break the spell then crept back to my room. It was then that I began to suspect that my father had wanted to mend the breach as much as I had. Awkward and proud, he hadn't known how, and neither had I. Timmy became the bridge over which we could reach for each other.
我在暗处观望着，不想打破这动人的场面，然后悄悄溜回房间。 就在那时，我开始猜测父亲和我一样一直想言归于好， 但出于
面子和难为情不知如何是好，而我也不知该怎么办， 提米成为我们走近对方的桥梁。
For the rest of our stay, the tension slowly melted. My father and I didn't discuss our rift directly. Thanks to Timmy, we didn't need to. Having claimed his hapa haole grandson, my father no longer defined our family by a uniform set of features. Curly haired, hazel-eyed Timmy was loved for himself.
在那儿余下的日子里，紧张的空气渐渐缓和下来。 父亲和我没有直接谈及我们的分歧，我们也认为没这个必要，而这些多亏了提米。 既然已经接纳了这个具有半个白人血统的外孙，父亲不再将我们的家庭定位于一套统一的特征。 长有卷曲头发和褐色眼睛的提米因为他自身的可爱而为外祖父所爱。
We returned to the islands the following summer. Timmy, now a toddler, splashed in the surf with his grandfather. The summer after that they built a tree-house out of scrap lumber and painted it blue.
第二年的夏天，我们又回到了岛上。 提米已经一岁多了，和外公一起在激浪中嬉水。 第三年的夏天，他们用废旧的材料建成了一座树形房子并把它刷成蓝色。
So pleased was my father with his new grandfather status that he took early retirement when Timmy was four, to spend more time visiting his \"New York family.\" My son and my father made a handsome pair as they walked together — the Chinese grandfather happily trailed by a different, bouncing shadow.
父亲对自己做了外公十分满意，以至于在提米四岁时就提前退休了，以便有更多的时间看望他的“纽约家人”。 我儿子和我父亲一起走道的情景形成一道美丽的风景———一位中国外公步态轻盈，后面跟着一个长相不同的、活蹦乱跳的影子。
Winterblossom Garden
David Low
我母亲用瓷茶壶沏了两杯茶，那茶壶一直就放在餐桌上的柳条筐里。壶面上，一位身着青绿色衣裙的少女在天宫拜见一位长胡子的皇帝，少女挥动着一把鲜红色的扇子。
―你肯定还没有学会做饭吧。‖母亲说。她把一盘子烤猪肉做的包子放在我面前。 ―妈，我不饿。‖
―多吃点饭，要不会生病的。‖
我从盘子中拿起一个包子，但太烫了，母亲递给我一张餐巾纸，让我把包子放下，然后拿出一根香蕉开始剥皮。 ―我不像你，对吃那么着迷。‖我说。
―吃有什么不好？‖她咬了一大口香蕉，看着我。 ―这个夏末我要举办一个摄影展。‖
―你还在拍那些倒塌的破楼房吗？多难看呀！你怎么不拍一些喜庆些的照片？‖ ―我还以为您会去看呢，‖我回答道，―搞到一个展位可不容易。‖
―结了婚，‖她说，声音变得异常地温柔，―你就会拍好一些的照片，就会幸福的。‖ ―我不知道您什么意思。您为什么认为我结了婚就会幸福呢？‖
母亲看着我，仿佛我在说塞尔维亚-克罗地亚语。每当我说一些她不中听的话，她总是这样看着我。她吃完香蕉，接着把那盘食品收起来，转眼间就站在水槽那儿，打开热水开始洗碗。母亲很早就懂得沉默的力量。
她从餐厅的橱柜里拿出了一个蓝色的点心盒，里面存有母亲心爱的照片。每当我就要离开家时，母亲便把它拿到客厅，放在咖啡桌上打开。她知道我会禁不住再翻翻这些照片的；我往往会挨着她在沙发上坐下，一坐至少又是一个小时。除了家人的照片，母亲还存有我从未见过的人的照片。一位是她的父亲。她父亲曾在派尔街拥有一个家禽肉店，老人家到死都没能回到中国。另一位是我的小姑，仍在里约热内卢开一家药店（她每年给家里寄止咳水）。还有一位是母亲的表妹凯，她从香港来到纽约一年后就死了，当时才三十岁。每一张照片，母亲都能讲一个故事，惟有凯她拒绝谈论，仿佛一提到她的名字就能将她的鬼魂招来并缠住我们每个人似的。
母亲总能找出一张我从未见过的照片：我突然发现我还有一位在温哥华承办丧事的亲戚。我拿起了一张老胡舅舅的照片。他满头银发，留着山羊胡子，曾在莫特大街拥有一家古玩店，去年退休后迁到夏威夷。在一张彩照中，他站在自己商店的门口，抱着一个竹子做的寿星雕像，像抱着一个保龄球奖杯一样。那塑像实际上有两英尺高，左手拿着一根手杖，右手手心托着一个寿桃，头顶呈茄子状向外突出。母亲认为这种头里面装有无穷的智慧。
―你舅舅老胡也是一个聪明人，‖母亲说，―但一谈恋爱就犯糊涂。‖他开商店时，总是爱上他的女顾客。他老是赔钱，因为哪个女人对他微笑，他就把商品白送给人家。我看到舅舅慷慨的双臂里尽是礼物：一个银制的佛像，一个象牙做的龙和一双翡翠筷子。
―这些女人让他困惑，‖她补充道，―中国的男人只要不结婚都会这样。‖ 母亲摇了摇头，叹了一口气。
―上次老胡来信邀请我到檀香山去看他, 可你爸爸拒绝离开商店。‖ ―那您为什么不去呢？‖
―我不能扔下你爸爸一个人不管。‖她凝视着咖啡桌上散乱的照片说。 ―妈，您为什么不为自己做点什么？我原以为您要上英语课了呢。‖ ―你爸认为那是浪费时间。‖
趁母亲把点心盒收起来的工夫，我站起来伸了伸腿。我凝视着沙发上方墙上挂着的照片：我父母的结婚照。母亲是被许配给父亲的；她声称如果她自己的父亲能把我父亲把她带到美国的费用还清的话，她可能根本就不会嫁给他。结婚照上，她表情发愣，身穿镶有褶裥和花边的亮丽的衣裙，裙边在她脚下呈螺旋状。她双手靠在腹部,紧握着一束花，好像在说：―我这是在干什么？这个男人是谁？‖父亲的脸比现在瘦，他的无尾礼服有点小，翻领上的那朵花耷拉着。他的一个小手指受了伤, 他把那只手藏在背后。
我一直说不好我父母是否真的相爱，我只见他们在孩子们的婚礼上接过吻，他们从来不在公共场所表示亲近。我小时候常常以为他们是穿着上班的衣服睡觉的。
What Are Friends for ? Marion Wink
从能给予你抚慰到借给你衬裙以及在超市排队时和你聊天的不知名的人，并不是每个人在你心目中都那么重要，但谢天谢地，有些人对你却举足轻重。我曾想过，这是为何？
比如说，好朋友是友谊世界里吃苦耐劳的人；他们站在朋友的前线，冲锋陷阵，保护你不受孤独和寂寞的侵犯。他们打来电话，聆听你的倾诉，庆祝你的成功，诅咒你的不幸，而你也予以同样的回报。在无数危机时刻，他们一直忠实可靠，尽管他们早就断定你交往的异性朋友不是什么善主。而且，尽管这时他们的忠言未被听取，他们也能予以理解。他们陪你去看带有字幕的电影或去阿夸罗纳泉去观赏跳水的猪；你出城时他们替你养猫，你回来时他们到机场去接你；他们专程过来帮你挑选赴约时穿的衣服，哪怕你要见的是个讨厌鬼。
那么家人呢？大部分家人都只是和你厮守在一起的人。虽然你爱他们，但你们可能没有多少共同语言。但也有一个罕见的例外，就是亲戚朋友。可能是你的表姊妹或堂姊妹、你的兄弟，甚至可能是你的姑妈或姨妈。你们两人对其他家庭成员的看法相同。麦格本来就不应该和马丁离婚。他是她遇到的最好的一个人。你们可以共同回忆往事。难道你不记得汉克叔叔和爸爸在感恩节聚餐时打架的可怕场面？奶奶总是讨厌爷爷集邮，那次在飓风来临时她可能故意让窗户开着的。
虽然许多家庭关系都含有内疚和义务的成分，但与亲戚朋友的交往却相对没有顾虑。你甚至无需在这个可爱的人面前掩盖你的坏习惯。当你从琼姨家后门溜出去抽根烟时，她已经在那儿了。
还有单位那个和你要好的人。一开始，他和单位所有其他人一样只是风景中的一个部分。但是渐渐地，他脱颖而出。你们的友谊在对同事开玩笑和细心的小恩小惠中得以加深。看没看见瑞恩的头发？要不要掰一半面包给你？很快，你就知道他养的乌龟叫什么名字，他上周五干什么去了，他生日那天到底想要什么款式的影碟机。你对他的书法也了如指掌。
虽然你们互相邀请参加晚会，但你们好像不怎么参与对方的社交生活。正因为如此，这种友谊可能很难经得起工作的变迁。公司聊天曾一度是你们开心的源泉，但现在很快就会让你们感到难堪并拉开你们的距离。但和学校中的朋友一样，工作中的朋友在十年后回忆起来有时会有一种怀旧的情调。
远方的朋友和你一起长大或上同一所学校，直到其中一位搬走。没有远方的朋友，你可能永远也收不到一封手写的信件。远方的朋友半夜来访、邀请你参加她的婚礼，总是说要来看你，但又很少露面。远方的朋友真的来看你时，那就要庆祝一下，自然要狂欢作乐一番，少不了香烟、土豆片、欢呼声和一瓶瓶的龙舌兰酒。
远方的朋友经过一段密切的交流之后，可能又会很久没有联系。不管怎样，总是有联系。和远方朋友的一席谈话有助于你端正对生活的态度。当你走到一个死胡同，处于人生的三岔路口，或在你复杂的人生旅途中迷失方向时，远方朋友———由于他们能看到事情的全局，谙熟你的成长背景，其劝告是必不可少的。
远方的朋友的另一好处就是帮助你记起往事，比如说你七年级历史老师的名字、那盘真正好吃的炒菜里究竟放了些什么，或者那天晚上在船上和佛罗里达来的几个家伙到底发生了什么事。
啊，过去的朋友，一件令人伤怀的事。最好的能留给你一个情意绵绵的回忆；最糟糕的拥有你的许多机密从而成为你危险的敌人。但到底是什么使你们分手的？误解、泄密、未偿还的贷款或恶意的调情。对配偶选择不当也会带来同样的后果。合伙经商可能是一个严重的错误。时间、金钱、距离、邪教都是有名的友谊杀手。你戒了毒，和毒品贩子也就不那么要好了。
别忘了，还有你恨其不争的朋友。他们来访的不是时候；说一些蠢话；打断别人讲话；对你指手画脚；当众让你尴尬。他们不请
自来，他们占你的便宜。你已尽你所能，但他们需要专业帮助。尽管这样，他们爱你爱得死去活来，坚信他们是你世上最好的朋友。
那么你为什么继续和这些人打交道呢？你为什么能容忍他们？相反，真正的问题是没有他们你会怎样。没有让你恨其不争的朋友，你和其他朋友将无话可说。他们的问题，他们哗众取宠的可气行为，都会成为他认识的人的可靠的谈资。何况，让你恨其不争的朋友让你自我感觉良好，因为显然你比他们条件优越得多。不管这些人做什么，你永远都摆脱不了他们。他们是特别需要你，但你也同样需要他们。
朋友世界的另一个极端是英雄朋友。他们比我们其余的人都好，确实如此。他们的事业是你向往的———画家、森林护林员、不知疲倦做好事的人。他们有美丽的家，里面装满了他们四处旅游时远方的村民赠送的特制的手工艺品。但他们谦虚，从不说闲话；他们总是在帮助别人，尤其是那些家中遭受疾病或死亡痛苦的人。你可能会认为这种人会让你感到恶心，但不知为什么他们不会这样。
新朋友就像一种与众不同的补品。比如说你在一个晚会上或保龄球俱乐部联合会上遇见了她，也许在一个日本会话课上。随时随地，都会产生撞击的火花。刹那间，你的人生经历再次生动起来，你的见解新颖独到，你的观点得到器重，而你的各种缺点却全然不见了。
这几乎就像爱上了一个人。
Friendship and Living Longer
Vicky Chan
你想健康长寿吗？花时间和朋友在一起吧。这是好几个医学研究开出的处方。这些调查表明，社会关系———和朋友、家人和爱人，甚至宠物的关系稳固的人比孤独的人要长寿和健康。
例如，加利福尼亚的一项研究对7,000人做了9年的跟踪调查。调查对象按要求对其社会关系进行描述。有的说他们过着封闭的生活，这些人比有家和朋友的人的死亡率高出两到三倍。
研究发现，社会关系越稳固，死亡率越低。这一模式不分男女老少、贫富、种族或生活方式。同样都抽烟，有朋友比没有朋友的人长寿；同样都跑步，与别人交往的就比离群索居的人要长寿。
另外一项研究证实了这一点。密执安大学对密执安泰克姆瑟的2,754位成人进行了调查。研究人员一开始就对他们的健康状况认真地做了评估。孤独、生活封闭的人刚开始时和其他人一样健康。但10年过后，他们的死亡率高出2到4倍。
其他的调查结果也表明了人际关系对健康的重要性。已婚的男女比单身的、离异的和丧偶的同龄人长寿。在敬老院，病人和猫和狗玩时变得更明智并富有同情心。养宠物的人比不养宠物的人在心脏病发作时的存活率要高。
社会关系有利于身体健康的另一个证据来自日本。大部分日本人都过着繁忙的城市生活，他们的城市和我们的一样拥挤、吵闹并有污染，这种生活方式好像并不健康；但日本人还是世界上最健康最长寿的人群之一，这可能和他们的饮食有关。另一种原因就是他们的生活方式。日本人和家人及同事关系稳固，很少中断。例如，公司往往对工作人员进行成批调动，而不是逐一调动。因此，其工作群体保持不变。
对美籍日本人的研究也证实了日本人的社会生活在保持健康中所起的重要作用。那些美籍日本人生活在日本风情浓郁的社区，且朋友多为日本人，其寿命往往比其他日本人要长。这两类人群吃的主要是美国饭菜，其中很多人都抽烟喝酒。所以，这些日本人之所以长寿看来是因为他们社区存在着稳固的社会关系。
为什么有朋友和亲人能使人更健康呢？具体原因不清楚，但可能有好几种解释。部分原因是社会关系稳固的人可能生活得更充实：他们有亲人或家人分享他们的生活；他们有朋友来访，关心他们的近况；他们期待更多的聚会。
社会关系还可以帮助我们抵御生活中的打击。在某个时期，我们每个人都会搬家、调动工作或失去一位亲人，这种突如其来的变化，往往会使许多疾病的发病率增加，如心脏病、癌症、中风和心理疾病。生活发生突然变化的人也更有可能出现事故。这时候，朋友、亲人，甚至一条忠实的狗都会帮我们渡过本来可能难熬的必然的变故。
最后，朋友和亲人还可以从另一方面影响我们的健康。如果我们抽烟，他们可能帮我们戒烟；如果我们饮食过量，他们可能会劝我们减量；他们提醒我们去体检。而且，如果我们心中有郁积的恐惧或忧伤，朋友可以帮助我们面对并克服它们。换句话说，通过关心我们，朋友和家人帮助我们照顾好自己。
亲密的人际关系不仅能使生活充实，而且能使人们长寿。帮助别人并被别人关心实际上是一种更健康的生活方式。
The Lean and Hungry Look
Suzanne Britt Jordan
凯撒说得对。要留心瘦子。我成人后大部分时间都在留心他们，且对我所见并不喜欢。当这些瘦长的人轻盈地向我走来时，我浑身都打颤。瘦人个性不一，但大多数都具有威胁性。有的镇静自若，有的机械呆板，有的居高临下，有的牢骚满腹，有的精明强干。他们都很危险。
首先，瘦人不好玩。他们不会闲度时光，至少不会像胖人那样尽情地享受清闲。他们老是忙忙碌碌的。给他们喝杯咖啡的工夫，他们也会绕街区跑上一圈。让他们清静一个晚上吧，他们又会去修纱门。他们会说一些―一天时间不够用‖之类的话。胖人从来不说这个。胖人认为一天已经长得烦死人了。
瘦人让我感到很累。他们新陈代谢快，所以跑前跑后忙个不停。他们总是搓着自己的瘦手，盯着看哪儿有新问题要解决。我喜欢和懒洋洋、不爱动但很随和的胖人呆在一起，他们属于那种认为今天打扫了卫生明天还会弄脏的人。
有人说,那些关于快乐胖子的说法都是没有道理的，说我们这些胖子们都神经质、有毛病、悲观，我不同意。胖人可能不会成天穷聊，但他们比那些干巴萎缩的人要好出百倍。瘦人年纪轻轻就变得古怪、心地不善甚至狠毒，因为他们弄不明一杯热腾腾的松糕圣代对缓和紧张状况的价值。瘦人不喜欢又粘又软的东西, 因为他们本人既不粘也不软。他们像胡萝卜一样脆而难吃。他们直接切入问题的要害，而胖人则让事情处于模糊和朦胧的状态———事情本来就是这样。瘦人想面对事情的真相，胖人知道不存在真相。我的一个瘦朋友总是盯着复杂而无法解决的问题说―关键的是……‖，胖人从不这么说，他们知道任何事情都不存在关键之类的东西。
瘦人相信逻辑。胖人看到事情的方方面面，他们看到的都是圆圆的一滴，一般是灰色的，总是模糊不清，而且不值得担心。但瘦人则坚持把事情搞清楚。―如果你吸收的热量超过了你消耗的，‖我的一位瘦朋友说，―你就会长胖。就这么简单。‖胖人听到类似这样的话就会咧嘴而笑。他们更明白。
胖人认识到生活是不符合逻辑的、也是不公平的。他们非常清楚他们的天空里没有上帝，而且世界上总有什么地方不对劲儿。如果真有上帝的话，胖人就可以随时得到两个面包圈和一大杯橙汁。
瘦人能滔滔不绝地列出一大堆符合逻辑的事情。他们一边讲一边竖起一个手指头，生怕我跟不上。他们把语速放慢，好像在和一个小孩子说话似的。他们罗列的事情很多且漏洞百出，包括一些经典性的话语，如―要自控‖、―抽烟能致命‖、―胆固醇堵塞‖、―健如牛‖、―把事情安排得井井有条‖、―组织起来‖、―健全的财务管理‖等类似的话语。
他们认为这些能列出2000条的计划能够给人带来幸福。胖人认为，幸福充其量是捉摸不定的，即使他们能得到瘦人所说的那种幸福，他们也懒得要。胖人很明智，因为他们明白这些计划太单调、太难、太离谱，什么时候也比不上一整块奶酪蛋糕。
胖人知道生活中的所有神秘之处。他们是那些熟悉夜晚、运气、命运和跟着感觉走的人。我认识一个瘦子，他曾经建议我们把一个拼图游戏的所有插片按大小、形状和颜色进行归类。他琢磨着这样做可以把完成拼图的时间至少减少一半。我说我不想这样：一、我喜欢敷衍了事；二、干嘛要那么早完成；三、拼图游戏并不重要，重要的是四个人（包括一个瘦子）围着一张牌桌玩拼图游戏所得到的乐趣。我的瘦朋友一点儿也不接受我列的这三点，所以他索性出去找活干，把落叶堆在黄杨树下。剩下的三个胖子，把游戏做完后还做了双层果仁巧克力方块蛋糕，表示庆祝。
瘦人的主要问题是让人感到压抑。他们的善意、严谨、高效、整洁、干巴巴的躯干、聪明把戏和成套的解决方法，像乌云一样在胖人宽松、舒服、敞开和柔软的世界里时隐时现。当胖人早就脱下外衣和鞋子把脚放在咖啡桌上时，瘦人还穿得整整齐齐地坐在沙发的边上谈家常呢。胖人不时发出开怀的笑声，拍着他们的大腿欢呼着，而瘦人还在彬彬有礼地等着故事中的妙句呢。
瘦人很乏味。他们喜欢数学、道德和对人类极限的合理评估。他们充分调动其瘦人的行为，去阐述、预测、探索和寻觅。 胖人喜欢宴饮交际。即使你体型不标准，长有粉刺，他们依然喜欢你。他们能为你写不出伟大的美国小说找到一个好理由，他们和你一起同饮共醉，他们牢记你的名字，他们让你无拘无束。胖人会闲聊、咯咯地笑、大笑、转着圈地笑、说长道短。他们大方、无私、仗义。他们贪吃、善良、出色。你情绪低落时需要的是软乎乎和颤动的东西，而不是健壮和稳定。胖人知道这一点，胖人有博大的心胸，胖人能容得下你。
Tips for Women : How to Have a Relationship with a Guy ?
Dave Barry
与许多女人的想法恰恰相反，与男人建立起长期稳定、双方满意的亲密关系是较为容易的。当然，那家伙必须是一只纽芬兰拾獚。对于男人来说，就极为困难了，这是因为男人不能真正领会女人对男女关系一词的理解。
比如说，一个叫罗杰的男士喜欢上了一位叫伊莱恩的女士。他请她出去看电影，她同意了，他们玩得很开心。过了几个晚上，他请她出去吃晚饭，他们这一次玩得也挺开心。他们开始定期见面。过了一段时间，双方都不再与别的异性朋友约会了。
后来，有一天晚上他们开车回家，伊莱恩突然有一个想法，便不假思索地说了出来：\"你有没有意识到，到今天为止，我们已经交往整整六个月了？‖
接着，车里一阵沉默。对伊莱恩来说，这种沉默已经表明了他的态度。她自己寻思道：咦，不知道我刚才的话是不是让他不安了；也许我们的交往让他感到受约束；也许他认为我在试图逼他承担某种他不愿承担或没有把握的义务。
罗杰在想：天哪，六个月了。
伊莱恩在想：可是，嘿，我也没有想好我是不是想这样交往下去呢。有时我希望能多一点儿空间，好有时间想想我是不是真的想维持我们目前的关系，让它稳稳地向前发展……我的意思是，要发展到哪一步啊？我们只是以目前的这种亲密程度交往下去吗？我们最终要结婚吗？要有孩子吗？要终生相守吗？我有这种思想准备吗？我真的了解这个人吗？
罗杰在想：所以这就意味着……想想看……我们2月份开始约会的，那时我刚从汽车商那儿买了车，这意味着……让我检查一下
变速器传动装置……哇！我早就该给它换油啦。
伊莱恩在想：他不高兴了,从他脸上可以看得出来。也许我完全判断错了。也许他想让我们的关系再进一步，再亲密一些，再多一些承诺，也许他已感觉到———甚至比我先感觉到———我有一定的保留。对，我肯定就是这么回事儿。这就是他不愿意说出他自己的感受的原因，他怕遭到拒绝。
罗杰在想：那我得再让他们检查一下变速器传动装置。我不管这些傻子会说什么，反正变速不对劲。这次他们最好不要怪罪天气冷。天冷什么呀？外面华氏87度，可这玩意儿变起速来像个垃圾车，我可是付了这帮没用的笨蛋600美元呢，这简直是强盗行为。
伊莱恩在想：他生气了。我不能责备他，要是我也会生气的。让他经受这一切我很内疚，但我也是情不自禁那样想的。我就是心里没底。
罗杰在想：他们可能会说保修期只有90天。他们绝对会这么说的，这帮渣滓。
伊莱恩在想：可能我太理想化啦。身边坐着这么好的一个人，我那么喜欢、真正关心的一个人，竟然还等着白马王子的到来。现在这个人正处于我自私的、学生气的浪漫幻想的痛苦折磨中。
罗杰在想：保修单？他们想要保修单？我会给他们保修单的，我把他们的保修单拿来粘上。 ―罗杰，‖ 伊莱恩大声说。
―什么？‖罗杰吓了一跳，然后问道。
―请别这样折磨你自己了。‖她眼泪汪汪地说，―也许我从来就不应该……噢，我感到好……‖（她控制不住了，开始啜泣起来。） ―什么？‖罗杰说。
―我真傻。‖ 伊莱恩哭着说，―我是说，我明知道没有什么王子的。我真的知道，我真傻。既没有王子也没有白马。‖ ―没有白马？‖ 罗杰说。
―你认为我是个傻瓜，对不对？‖伊莱恩说。 ―不！‖罗杰说，很高兴终于知道了答案。
―就是因为……因为……我需要一些时间。‖ 伊莱恩说。
（罗杰停顿了15秒钟，尽快地搜寻着一个安全的答复。最后他想出了自己认为能行得通的答案。） ―是。‖他说。
（伊莱恩深受感动，抚摸着他的手。） ―哦，罗杰，你真是那样想的吗？‖她说。 ―哪样？‖罗杰说。
―对我的感觉。‖ 伊莱恩说。 ―哦，‖罗杰说，―是。‖
（伊莱恩转过身来面对着他，凝视着他的眼睛，使他对她下一步要说的话感到特别紧张，尤其是谈到白马。最后她总算说话了。） ―谢谢你，罗杰。‖她说。 ―谢谢你。‖罗杰说。
然后他把她送回家。她躺在床上，心里又矛盾又痛苦，一直哭到天亮；而罗杰一回到家就打开了一袋小吃，打开电视，马上就着迷地欣赏起两个他从未听说过的捷克斯洛伐克人的网球赛重赛。在他脑海的深处，有一个细小的声音告诉他车里好像发生过什么重要的事情，但他肯定他没有办法搞清楚怎么回事儿，所以他认为最好别去想它。（罗杰对世界饥荒也是采取这种策略。）
第二天，伊莱恩会给她最要好的一个朋友打电话，或者可能给两个最要好的朋友打电话。她们会就这种情况一直谈上六个小时。她们会认真仔细地分析她和他所说的每一句话，回忆来回忆去，要研究出每一个字，每一个词组和每一个手势的微妙含义，考虑到一切可能的后果。他们会不断谈及这一话题，时断时续，长达数周，可能数月，从来得不出任何肯定的结论，但也从不厌倦。
与此同时，有一天，罗杰在与他和伊莱恩共同的朋友打短网拍墙球，该发球时他停了下来，皱着眉头说：―诺姆，伊莱恩曾经拥有一匹白马吗？‖
我们这儿谈论的不是观点不同的问题。我们谈论的是完全不同的太阳系里的不同的星球。伊莱恩在他们的关系一事上再也无法与罗杰进行有意义的交流，正像她不能和一只鸭子真正下棋一样，因为罗杰对这个话题的全部想法如下：
哦？
但我想说明的是，如果你是一个女人，而且你想和一个男人交往成功的话，要记住下面的头条忠告： 别以为男人会理解你和他之间存在一种男女关系。
男人是不会自己认识到的，你必须在日常交谈中不断暗示才能把这个概念种植在他的脑子里，例如： ―罗杰，既然我们都交往到这一步了，你能递给我个低糖块吗？‖ ―罗杰，快醒醒！客厅里有贼！我们相爱了！我指的是你和我。‖
―好消息，罗杰！妇科专家说我们要有第四个孩子了，这也能说明我们俩相爱了！‖
―罗杰，由于飞机就要坠毁了，我们的生命可能只剩下一分钟了，我想让你知道我们已经度过了53年的美满婚姻生活，这显然说
明我们相爱了。‖
千万别松懈，女人们。使劲地灌输这一概念，最终它会开始渗透到男人的脑子里。有一天他们甚至都有可能自己考虑这件事，会和其他的男人谈论女人，而且会出其不意地说：―伊莱恩和我，我们有，哦……哦……哦，我们有, 呵呵……我们……我们……有这事儿了。‖
那他绝对是当真的。
第二条改善男女关系的忠告是： 别期望男人匆忙做出许诺。
我说的―匆忙‖指的是―你一生‖。男人特别不情愿许诺，这是因为他们总是觉得没有准备好。
―对不起，‖男人总是这样对女人说，―我只是还没有准备好呢。‖男人永远处于准备不好的状态。如果男人是火鸡胸的话，你在7月4日那天把它们放进一个350度的炉子里，等到感恩节到来时它们还没有烤熟呢。
Hillary Rodham Clinton
Bill Clinton was hard to miss in the autumn of 1970. He arrived at Yale Law School looking more like a Viking than a Rhodes scholar returning from two years at Oxford. He was tall and handsome somewhere beneath that reddish brown beard and curly hair. As I walked by Yale Law School's student lounge, I heard him say \"... and not only that, we grow the biggest watermelons in the world!\" I asked a friend, \"Who is that?\" \"Oh, that's Bill Clinton,\" he said. \"He's from Arkansas, and that's all he ever talks about.\" We didn't really talk to each other until the last day of classes in the spring of 1971. We happened to walk out of the same course at the same time. Bill asked me where I was going. I was on the way to the registrar's office to sign up for the next semester's classes. He told me he was heading there too. As we walked, he complimented my long flower-patterned skirt. We waited in line until we got to the registrar. She looked up and said, \"Bill, what are you doing here? You've already registered.\" I laughed when he confessed that he just wanted to spend time with me, and we went for a long walk that turned into our first date. When we first met as students, I loved watching him turn the pages of a book. Now his hands are showing signs of age after thousands of handshakes and golf swings and miles of signatures. They are, like their owner, weathered but still expressive, attractive and flexible.
1970年秋的比尔·克林顿很难被人忽视。 那年他从牛津大学两年学成归来，刚进耶鲁法学院，可他的模样与其说有罗德学者般的气质，不如说更像维京大盗。 他体形高大，长相在红棕色胡须与一头卷曲浓密的头发衬托下还算英俊。 当我经过法学院的学生休息室时，听到他说：“不只那样，我们家乡种了全世界最大的西瓜！”我问朋友：“他是谁啊？”“哦，他是比尔·克林顿。”朋友说，“从阿肯色州来，他只说过这些。” 直到1971年春季最后一天上课，我们才有机会交谈。 上完课后我们同时走出教室。 比尔问我要去哪里， 我说要到注册办公室注册下学期的课， 他说他也正要去。 两人同行时，他赞美我穿的花色长裙。 两人到了注册办公室，排了好久的队才轮到我们， 注册员抬头看了一下，然后说：“比尔，你在这里干嘛？你已经注册过了。” 他坦言只是想跟我在一起，我笑了，接着便一块走了很久，就这样开始了第一次约会。 自从我们从学生时初识，我便喜欢看他翻书的样子。 这双手至今已握过数以千计的手，挥杆不下千余次，签过的名连起来也有好几英里长。 如今经过岁月磨炼，这双手跟它的主人一样几经风霜，但它的表现力、魅力与灵活度不减当年。
Afterwards, Bill went to visit my parents, but I was nervous because my dad was so uninhibited in his criticism of my boyfriends. I wondered what he would say to a Southern Democrat with Elvis sideburns. My mother appreciated Bill's good manners and willingness to help with the dishes. But Bill really won her over when he found her reading a philosophy book from one of her college courses and spent the next hour or so discussing it with her. It was slow going at first with my father, but he warmed up over games of cards, and in front of the television watching football bowl games. My friends liked him too. After I introduced him to Betsy Johnson, her mother, cornered me on the way out of their house and said, \"I don't care what you do, but don't let this one go. He's the only one I've ever seen make you laugh!\"
后来比尔去见我的父母，但我还是有些紧张，因为父亲对我的男友一向是不加遮拦地批判。 这次不知父亲又会给这位蓄着和猫王一样的络腮胡子的民主党南方佬出什么难题。 母亲欣赏比尔教养好，又肯主动帮助洗碗， 但真正让母亲打心底喜欢他的是：他看到母亲埋首阅读大学课程里的一本哲学书，于是花了整整一个多小时和母亲讨论其内容。 父亲属于慢热型，所幸在玩扑克牌、看电视转播橄榄球赛的过程中，也慢慢热情起来。 朋友们也都喜欢他。 我带他到贝琪·约翰逊家，离去时，贝琪的母亲把我拉到一角对我说：“我不管你用什么办法，绝对要留住他，我见过这么多人，他是惟一能让你笑得起来的。”
Living History
After completing law school in the spring of 1973, at twilight in the beautiful Lake District of England, we found ourselves on the shores of Lake Ennerdale, where Bill asked me to marry him. I was desperately in love with him but utterly confused about my life and future. So I said, \"No, not now.\" What I meant was, \"Give me time.\" My mother had suffered from her parents' divorce, and her sad and lonely childhood was imprinted on my heart. I knew that when I decided to marry, I wanted it to be for life. Bill Clinton is nothing if not persistent. He sets goals, and I was one of them. He asked me to marry him again, and again, and I always said no. Eventually he said, \"Well, I'm not going to ask you to marry me any more, and if you ever decide you want to marry me then you have to tell me.\"
1973年春，我从耶鲁法学院毕业，我们来到英格兰湖区，在微光中，比尔在艾纳戴尔湖畔向我求婚。 我深深地爱着他，但我完全不清楚自己的生活与未来， 所以我说：“不行，现在还不行。”言下之意是：“给我一点时间。” 外公与外婆离婚让母亲吃了不少苦，加上母亲悲苦、寂寞的童年深深印在我心中， 所以我下定决心，一旦结婚，一定要和丈夫白头偕老。 比尔若不执着，那就不是比尔·克林顿了。 他已经定下好些目标，而我就是其中之一。 他一再向我求婚，我也一再拒绝他。 最后他说：“我不会再向你求婚了，如果哪天你决定要嫁给我，请你务必告诉我。” I first met Bill's mother, Virginia, in New Haven during a visit she made to see Bill in the spring of 1972. Before Virginia arrived, I didn't use makeup and wore jeans and shirts most of the time. I was no Miss Arkansas and certainly not the kind of girl Virginia expected her son to fall in love with. No matter what else was going on in her life, Virginia got up early, glued on her false eyelashes and put on bright red lipstick. My style baffled her, and she didn't like my strange Yankee ideas either. I had a much easier time relating to Virginia's third husband, Jeff Dwire, who became a supportive ally. He was kind to me from the first day we met and encouraging of my continuing efforts to build a relationship with Bill's mother. \"Oh, don't worry about Virginia,\" he would tell me. \"She just has to get used to the idea. It's hard for two strong women to get along.\"
比尔的母亲弗吉尼娅1972年春到纽黑文探视比尔，那是我们首次见面。 弗吉尼娅来之前，我不化妆，不重打扮，常是牛仔裤、T恤衫一套就出门了。 我既不是“阿肯色小姐”，当然也不是弗吉尼娅期望她儿子爱上的那类姑娘。 不管发生什么天大的事，弗吉尼娅出门前必定起个大早，仔细梳妆打扮，粘上假睫毛，抹上大红唇膏。 我的作风显然令她不解，一些北方人古怪的想法也令她不悦。 弗吉尼娅的第三任丈夫杰夫·德怀尔反倒和我较合得来，常帮我加油打气。 从我们初次见面的那一天起，他就对我很好，不断鼓励我与弗吉尼娅建立良好的关系。 “噢，别担心弗吉尼娅，”他说，“时间久了，她自然会习惯。两个女强人在一起，本来就难以相处。”
At the end of the school year I decided to take a long trip back to Chicago and the East Coast to visit friends and people who had offered me jobs. I still wasn't sure what to do with my life. On the way to the airport, Bill and I
passed a red brick house near the university with a for sale sign out front. I casually mentioned that it was a sweet-looking little house and never gave it a second thought. After a few weeks of traveling and thinking, I decided I wanted to return to my life in Arkansas and to Bill. As Bill picked me up, he asked, \"Do you remember that house you liked? Well, I bought it, so now you'd better marry me because I can't live in it by myself.\" Bill proudly drove up the driveway and ushered me inside. This time I said \"Yes.\"
学年结束，我决定飞到芝加哥与东岸探亲访友，拜会曾赐我工作的上司。 那时我对未来仍不能确定。 比尔开车送我到机场的途中，我们看到大学附近一间红砖房子竖着“出售”的招牌， 我不经意地说道，这是一间可爱的小房子，然后就忘了。 经过数周的旅行与思考，我决定回到阿肯色与比尔一起生活。 比尔来接我，他说：“你记得那间你喜欢的房子吗？我已经买下了，现在你最好嫁给我，因为我不想一个人住进去。” 比尔骄傲地开进房子前的车道，拉我进去参观。 这次我回答：“好的。”
After all that has happened since, I'm often asked why Bill and I have stayed together. It's not a question I welcome, but given the public nature of our lives, it's one I know will be asked again and again. What can I say to explain a love that has persisted for decades and has grown through our shared experiences of parenting a daughter, burying our parents and tending our extended families, a lifetime's worth of friends, a common faith and an abiding commitment to our country? All I know is that no one understands me better and no one can make me laugh the way Bill does. Even after all these years, he is still the most interesting, energizing and fully alive person I have ever met.
婚后经历这么多风雨，不断有人问我：为何还和比尔在一起？ 我虽然不喜欢被问及这个问题，但身为公众人物，我知道这事会被一提再提。 我们两人相爱了数十年，共同抚养一女，经历父母亡故，都得担负起照顾家人的责任，共有一群终身至交，加上信仰相同，一
心想为国家尽心尽力———我究竟怎么说才能解释这些？ 此外，没有人比比尔更了解我，也没有人能像比尔那样让我开怀大笑。 即使过了这么多年，他仍旧是我见过的最风趣、最有干劲、最富生气的一个人。
Personal Relationships in the Not-So-Good Old Days Rodney Stark
夫妻之间的关系
只有在现代，大多数的人才会为爱情而结婚；在往昔的黄金岁月里，大多数人是为了金钱或者是劳动力而结婚的———婚姻是两个家族间的经济调配。这个男人有多少土地，多少财产？这位新娘将给她的丈夫带来多少嫁妆？情感的联结对于操办婚事的父母们来说毫不重要；而且无论是新郎还是新娘，都不指望从婚姻中得到感情上的满足。
舒特（一位历史研究者）发现在从前的夫妻之间缺乏真情的流露，并怀疑只有极少数夫妻的的确确感受到了爱情。夫妻之间最常见的情感就是怨恨和愤怒。丈夫打妻子是平常事，妻子打丈夫的事也时有发生。当妻子打丈夫的事发生时，往往是丈夫而非妻子会被社会惩罚。在法国，一个挨了妻子打的丈夫通常得倒骑在驴上抓着驴尾巴在村子里走上一圈，因为他管不好自己的妻子而使得整个村庄蒙羞。同样，当妻子对丈夫不忠的时候，她的丈夫也往往会按照同样的方式被惩罚。
对于这种糟糕的夫妻关系的最充分的证据就是人们对家庭成员垂死和死亡的反应。正如孩子的死亡不会带来悲伤一样，配偶的死亡也不会引起什么哀悼。在公开场合表示悲痛是被公众所期待的，对寡妇来说尤其如此；但是当时主流文化里却充斥着与之相反的观念。舒特记录了如下的谚语： 一个男人生命中最甜蜜的两日 就是结婚当日和妻子的葬礼那天 这样的男人才富裕啊！ 他的妻子死了，而马儿还活着
确实，对于一个乡下人来说，只要他的牛或者马生了病，他都会急忙找人医治；但是他却决不会接受邻居的建议，为他生病的妻子找个大夫。牛和马的损失会花费金钱，但是死去的妻子却可以很容易地被另一个会带来新嫁妆的年轻女人所取代…… 父母和孩子之间的关系
父母不但跟婴儿和小孩缺少感情交流，而且与大一些的孩子之间的感情维系也是很脆弱的。首先，大多数孩子年少离家。其次，当孩子们离家以后，人们往往抱着―眼不见，心不烦‖的态度。如果一个孩子离开了乡村去闯荡，很快他（她）就会被其邻居，甚至是父母所遗忘。这样离开的人就销声匿迹了。据舒特说，一个法国的乡村医生在他1710年的一篇日记中写道，他曾经听说他的一个兄弟被绞死了，但是他完全失去了别的兄弟的消息。
最后，即使是那些留在村子里的孩子也不会去爱他们的父母。相反，他们会为了继承权和父母何时退休等问题而争执不休，并
公开地盼着父母早日死去。舒特总结道：家庭成员之间的感情通常是厌恶和憎恨。
同辈群体之间的关系
当然，传统社会中的人们肯定也得喜欢什么人。不过与我们设想的传统家庭生活不同，传统社会的主要联结单位并不是家庭，而是同辈群体。家庭主要提供再生产、孩子的养育（就像前面所显示的那样），还有经济支持（通常是很吝啬的）。人们主要在家庭之外，与自己同年龄、同性别的人之间建立情感的联结。
妻子同别人的妻子关系密切，丈夫那边也是一样。社会交往在很大程度上是被性别所分隔开，并且基于童年的友情和交往上。例如，邻居的一群男孩在很小的时候就彼此成为朋友，而这种友谊往往成为他们终身最为主要的感情维系。女人间情况也是一样。它毫无疑问为人们提供了亲密的关系和自尊的来源，可同时也阻碍了家庭内部亲情联系的形成。
一个结婚的妇女会期望与她的同伴而不是自己的丈夫分享自己的感受。男人们也会把自己的私人感受留给他们的同伴。这样一来，那脆弱的界定家庭的边界就被这超越家庭的同伴关系打破了。因此，外人对于在家庭中发生的许多事情都有决定性的影响。丈夫和妻子们往往不会去取悦彼此，而是取悦他们的同伴。
当然，有的人也会爱自己的孩子。毫无疑问也有某些夫妇确实彼此相爱。但是大多数的证据表明，前工业时代的家庭生活同当前流行的想法是相反的。人们往往对从前的生活有一种怀旧的想法，认为人们快乐地生活在宁静的、充满着田园风味的村子里，在自己的大家庭与挚友之间，彼此相爱，平平安安地度过一生。而事实上那是一种肮脏的、恶意的、缺乏爱的生活，没有一个现代人愿意继续过这样的生活。确实，当工业化使得其他的选择成为可能，家庭生活就发生了根本的变化。因为没有人愿意再忍受那种古老的生活方式了。
把习语当单词背诵。
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